..Disappointment..

AS Level Result - 12 August 2010
I checked my results at approximately 3pm to prevent getting myself into web congestion. Its fortunate I did not get caught in any congestion and I got my results. It was really depressing.

I wouldn't want to state what I've got for my exams. People will probably laugh at my misfortune. Fortunate for them huh.. All I can say is I'm truly disappointed for obtaining the result which I've got. Just put it this way, my results are worse than what I've got in Trials, which was supposedly harder than the actual exam. How did I obtain such results? I also cannot answer that question. Could it be because I'm not putting effort during the answering of the exam questions or is it because I wasn't paying attention to what I wrote. I ask myself but I couldn't answer either. I just don't know what happened. Besides, I couldn't bear to let any of my friends know about this. It hurts me to hear their words of comfort for something I shouldn't have got.

For a person who has high expectations of himself to fall down so low. I'm definitely angry. Angry at myself for not doing the papers wisely if I supposed that's what had happened. Angry at myself for not doing it right. And yeah. Angry at myself for everything. Not like I was expecting to get all A's. But I was sincerely hoping to get improvement in my results as compared to the Trial Exams. Why? Because the actual AS is supposed to be easier! Heck even my brother who didn't study got better grades than I do. Now what can I say about that?! I'm heartbroken.

People say I'm the hardworking type. I don't really like sports except a few who I have found interest in. I do bring alot of books to school. I study every night for a few hours before I sleep (for nighttime is the only time I found comfortable to study in, afternoons are scorching hot, not suitable), and I look highly upon myself. In all my experiences. I never did badly in my actuals compared to the trials. This is a severe punishment of my sake. I just wanna cuddle up with my pillow in a corner now and cry silently. I couldn't cry in public like a friend of mine but her results were awesome. I envy all my classmates. They were officially made for science-stream like subjects. Not me perhaps. Silence is my only option.

I'm gonna retake the AS subject. And it will be the last thing I do before I leave KL to return to Penang during the Finals. This isn't what I'm supposed to get after what I was working for. This just isn't right! I have to get things in the right shape. I just have to!

I will just remain in silence for awhile, just for a few moments. I can't say when, but just a few. And by the time I'm done I'll be sure to not let this happen again. History ain't repeating itself. I'm doing everything for myself, my sake. I cannot destroy what I've dreamed on becoming halfway. For now I'll just let my tears flow for these few moments.. Just for these few moments..