It has never been easy...

'Made a wrong turn, once or twice..
Dug my way out, Blood and fire..
Bad decisions, that's alright..
Welcome to my silly life..' Perfect - Pink


Has anyone ever wondered why life couldn't be simple as everyone hope for it to be? Everything is as straightforward, simple, no complications whatsoever. Dull life it may be but at least it is less conflicting. Especially if the conflict comes from within..
Why does life contains crushes? Are we to blame all the hormones in our bodies? Questions of which I knew would never have right answers. Such things kept flooding my mind. Never had I once think my well directed priorities would could be so easily diverted by a simple - crush. Worst still, a crush for a friend that I never knew could happen. I knew I know better, for I never asked for this to happen, not to me, not to anyone else, also because I know it always ends up having something unwanted, something called hurt. So someone please tell me... why me?

Looking back. I wasn't aware of that fact until obviousness smacks it into my face. Conversations becomes severely brief and awkward, and our existences became sensitive, but when you're not there the mind races and craves to have you around. Its painful to know, annoying to take notice of. It feels like an unseen wound that wraps itself around the heart. Even so, the pleasant feeling that was supposed to accompany crushes were overwhelmed by the painful truth of knowing that the person will never be yours.

Not that I don't want to admit these feelings, I have not such courage. I admit being a sore loser, but no matter what I could never have that confidence. Everyone thinks I'm always happy and that my smile follows me everywhere I go, what they don't know is that behind that smile, there lies a fragile heart, breaking apart.No one knows this pain that I have to go through to pull a disguise over me in such situations where I have to force a smile. No one knows my stubbornness of keeping those hurt within me. I feel so vulnerable now..

Going back, I have known that crushes always hurt in the end. Yet I couldn't help myself. I had always been treating the people around me similarly in one way or another, but yet only you gave me the special feeling I've never felt before. Although so, you're also the only one who had ever treated me so coldly. The endeavors that I've attempted to reach out to you had failed so miserably. Come to think of it, it is not as though I've never seen you being sociable, but only to others and not sociable to me. It hurts to realize that you tried to shut me away from your life. I couldn't reach out further than I already have.. At times I would want closure between the both of us, but fear has kept my secret within me. I fear that you would never looked at me the same way ever again if I were to tell you these secrets. I was never strong, though I may act like it, but I was never strong..

You look at me as a perfection. But I am still an imperfection of a mortal. It might have never occurred to you that I would fail in my life but you don't know how many times I have fallen and picked myself up again in the race. I never wanted to be judged by my appearance and performance. It just isn't fair for me and my pride as an imperfection myself. I would never wanted to be compared with you or anyone else. I may have offended you in the past in ways that I may not even know but I would never attempt to hurt anyone out of purpose. But there is one thing that I would like to know from you, do you look at me so?

I have never felt jealousy before in my life. Up till that night when you actually pushed me aside and rejected my help when you weren't well. In replacement you hung on to someone else, smiling. Still I put on a smile to hide the pain of rejection. I had never thought my existence was cheap to you. Even so I told myself to not give up that easily. I might not have captured your heart, but all I really want is your hand in close friendship. I went to your place the next day, but only to be reassured with an empty conscience that the rejection wasn't intentional. Should I even believe you? I chose to. Knowing it would hurt me even more but I will force myself to take much more if I could have the 0.01% chances of forming a close bond with you. Still that image wouldn't disappear no matter how much I wanted it to. Seeing you so happy with other friends instead of me. How am I different from them? Could it be that I am not good enough to stand as a friend like everyone else? Or could it be my presence that is so bad you that couldn't share a smile with me? These answers.. I need you to tell me. I could never answer these on my own.. It has been a long race, and I am tired of constantly trying to catch up..

I've always told myself I would be okay. I wouldn't be so lucky to get everything I want with a wave of a wand or a blink of an eye. Life just wouldn't be realistic. Still that hope maintains. Someday you would come to realize me. Not only as a mere tool to be used but rather a company that would always be there. The same goes to all my friends out there. I am not perfect, but I'm always trying my best to be the best I can ever be. I only wished for acknowledgement, and that is what I'm waiting for you to give me. Screw the crush, screw those nasty feelings I had for you. With them out of this life, would you be more willing to start over once again? To become friends again?

So I have decided. I would work even harder for you to realize that I'm not a mere tool anymore. I'm not a person you can only relied on when you have questions on mitosis or when structure of neurons kills your brain cells, or even if you have no idea how to start a project. I wanted to be more than that. I wanted to feel that I am actually an important existence in your life, just as yours is to mine. I want to smile happily, laugh loudly, share good times together with you. We had known each other for 2 months now. But I don't see progress between the both of us. Our conversations should not be short and awkward, rather continuous and enjoyable. Feelings for each other should not be anything more besides as a cornerstone to support each other and a pillar for each other to lean on. But I could never do all these things on my own. Your cooperation is especially what I would need to pull this friendship to the next level. I want you to trust me, and I want to trust you too. I had already thrown those crushes I had for you into the sea of forgetfulness. It has been rough for the both of us but that lies in the past, from now on, let's start all over again..

So hi.. How are you? My name is Marcus and I would like to be your BEST friend!!


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'A tongue my lie and cheat, but the heart remains pure,'